The milk of human sarcasm
Amazon, having made the dubious decision of adding fresh produce to the books, CDs, and DVDs it has for sale, has now become the target of online wags with time on their hands.
Their prime target — for no discernible reason other than the obvious absurdity of mail-order milk — is Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz. The customer reviews begin reasonably enough (”Who buys milk on the internet? For some strange reason, I can’t see supermarkets going out of business anytime soon.”), but almost immediately the snark starts rolling downhill and gaining speed, with entries from “Noam Chomsky,” “Samuel Taylor Coleridge,” “Bill Cosby,” “Cereal Lover 5,” and many others. The reviews now stand at 504 and counting.
Here is a very small sampling (spoiler alert):
“While I didn’t think this milk would initially be worth the outrageous shipping cost (when compared to the price of the milk itself) I soon realized how mistaken I was: this milk is made from ground up bone and the tears of babies; simply put — this milk is potent enough to kill a grown man.”
“This deeply-hued milk gives off aromas of calcium and niacin and generous American oak. There is less obvious oak on the palate. The milk is very crisp and smooth in the mouth, with modest sweetness and a dab of cheese flavouring; pleasantly sour aftertaste. Ideally served chilled with grains and pastry. Not the best offering from this particular dairy, but far from the worst in a market oversaturated with local offerings.”
“I was planning a Star Wars themed party, and really wanted Tusken milk. This was not a particularly good substitute.”
“hii Tuscan U r so cool I luv yr milk , me and all my freinds and my cousint Tiffani drink u all teh time!!!!!!11 when r u coming back to Jerzee??? u rule I hope u read these!!!!!!!!!!11″
“I just found a finger in my milk.
BTW, Snape kills Dumbledore.”
“This joke has been milked long enough. Maybe Tuscan can bottle the milk from this joke and sell it. Anybody want to buy some Joke Milk?”
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Drink it all in here
the world has gone mad
I’m going to buy a gun and lock my doors now.